Fulfilling the Innate Desire... Lessons Learned

It is hard to believe that a week ago, I set out to fulfill a desire of mine and to settle this personal score that I felt needed to be settled.  The memories were very positive and lessons were learned in the process.

So, what did I do?  Backcountry Camping.  Where? Frontenac Provincial Park.  Who did I go with? Myself.  

Now, depending on who I tell, I get different reactions.  My professional confidante told me to go for it.  The ladies on the GO Train had their concerns but they know me well enough to just wish me well and look forward to the stories that come afterwards. The reaction was mixed amongst the coworkers.  I've had reactions such as "Wow...", "Crazy...", "Good for you!"  and "Have a great time!"  Then, there is the one coworker who I told after the fact.  Her immediate reaction and comment was "Don't ever do that again! That is too dangerous to do by yourself... That is one way to raise anxiety levels..."  I love her dearly and she means well but it is quite clear that she is content to remain in her comfort zone as a wife, mother, and working woman.

My motives were simple.  I wanted to prove to myself that I can do this camping thing on my own.  I also wanted to prove that I can support myself and that I am truly independent.  When I camped with a couple friends the last couple of times, I did not feel great about myself.  I actually felt like I was a useless burden to the group because of the fact that they seemed to have everything together and that other than putting up a tent, hoisting gear, and being a drama queen because of the bugs, I really did not know anything about being outside in nature.  Therefore, I felt disconnected because I could not even contribute to the conversations that were happening because I was totally clueless.  It was after the last trip that we took about a month ago when I resolved to let go of the possibility of ever really connecting and enjoying myself in that setting.  As a result of this, I became the lone ranger and resolved to do this whole thing in total isolation with only myself to answer to and support.  No one I camped with knew what I was up to until I completed the trip.

The lessons learned were big!  Throughout the planning, I did have to logistically plan this trip with contingencies in mind.  I also had to be physically and mentally prepared for the challenges that I had to face.  There were moments where I really started getting anxious, particularly when I started paying attention to the weather forecast for the area.  It was only in those moments of anxiety where I started to envision things going wrong.  I had to quickly reel myself in and stop focusing on what could go wrong.  My confidante did allude to my way of thinking during the last two trips and offered advice on altering my thinking.

Other lessons learned were as follows:

• Proper packing of gear needs to be worked on.  It turns out I had too much food and ended up bringing home enough to create a home emergency kit.
• Listen to intuition and follow it.  By doing this, I was able to avoid turning my whole enjoyment upside-down.  What did I do?  Turned back when the gear became cumbersome and my stomach problems did not improve.  While it did mean a night in the car, it made the next couple of days much more bearable.  I felt very rested, stomach problems ceased, and my gear was better packed.  This has stamped a plan of action for the next solo outing.
• There is power in reflection and journaling.  I cleared so much in my journal by documenting my experiences in the moment.
• Accept support if it is needed and offered.  My campsite neighbours were very kind to invite me over to their site for campfire.  Their wood was dry because they were able to keep it dry before the rains.  In my case, the only things that lit were my firestarters, and the garbage I was burning.  Their support and hospitality was truly appreciated and did give me a mental break.

While there were many more lessons learned, these lessons really stick out for me. 

A week later, I still look back at the fact that I really did know what I was doing.  So, if camping is not the problem, then what is?  It became increasing clear that my social skills are lacking.  I am not making up any excuses for this personality trait.  It became really clear to me that I chose this.  All my life, I have gone out of my way to not have that connection I say I want.  The connections I have had in the past have either ended with hurt, or they still exist but are maintained at more than an arms length.  For the most part, I have developed a lack of trust and have always surged ahead and created experiences on my own. In fact, I find it easier to disconnect and retreat into my safe spot than to stay in the fire and share my vulnerabilities without the fear of being judged.

A question was posed to me after my trip.  I was asked whether or not I will be a yes to the possibility of another group camping experience.  When I responded, I said that I would have to think about it.  As the high wore off and the past week took me back to reality, my response quickly turned into a resounding NO.  I had an awesome time doing this whole thing solo.  I felt really good answering to myself and not having to compare or be compared to someone else other than myself.  I still have to sort out whether it is fear and ego that is making me choose.  For now, all I can do is be with this experience for what it is and allow my inner guide to guide me in the best direction.

Pics to follow soon from a successful adventure!

An Innate Desire

An innate desire... We all possess it in one form or another.  When I think innate desire, I think of desires that come from the very core of your way of being.  It is that desire that you just don't have the courage to bring to the surface for fear of being shamed or having to live with the guilt of it all if manifesting that desire does not go according to plan.

Throughout the month, I have experienced many highs and lows in my life.  I have faced fear, guilt, and shame surrounding this.  However, an innate desire was born... 

This innate desire has been burning in my core this past month.  As a result of this, I have decided to pursue this desire and get curious around it.  By getting curious around it, I am exploring emotions surrounding it.  I am also exploring what is possible.  On practical terms, I am looking at logistics surrounding the manifestation of this desire.  The emotions surrounding it will be far greater than the physicality of this manifestation.

So what is my real reason for bringing this desire to the surface?  Let's just say that I am looking to challenge myself on a really deep level.  I have felt that I needed to settle a personal score with myself.  When it came to the surface, one of the first things I thought was that I have to "prove something" to myself and the world.  I have often compared myself to others and felt less compared to them.  This has affected me on many levels.  With the approval of a confidante, I am now planning to execute this innate desire to settle the score with my way of being, and to challenge myself to break out of my comfort zone at the deepest level.

Two things can happen.  This challenge can either make me, or break me.  It is up to me which wolf I choose to feed.  I do know that the lessons that I learn will shape my life and who I am.  For now, all I have to do is embody a YES and believe in what is possible with this life lesson that I am taking on.  I shall wear my "FEAR NOT" bracelet with pride and think of this challenge as an extension of my Magic Carpet ride at Baptiste's Level II...

The countdown is on...

Live From Kenya: Yoga with Baron Baptiste & Africa Yoga Project

For all the ups and downs I have gone through in my life, this practise reminded me of one thing - why I LOVE YOGA!!

Baron Baptiste really delivered a punch as he co-taught with Walter this afternoon.  He reminded me of what draws me to the Baptiste Power Vinyasa Flow in the first place.  It was a powerful reminder of why I want to be a Baptiste Certified yoga instructor and be of service for Africa Yoga Project in the near future.  

As I work through what is holding me back, I will be forever grateful for the opportunity to take part in this as it was live-streamed directly from Kenya.  I am also grateful that this video will be available to relive the experience and the energy of this practise as it happened.

For this, I am honoured to share... 

Namaste

The Crossroads

In the journey of life, there are many crossroads.  There are choices that are to be made, and each direction taken has the potential to make, or break, your life.

My life has been like most other people's life.  I have encountered many crossroads and I have been forced to make a decision, or have simply followed a given direction out of fear of making that decision for myself - and also out of utter laziness and lack of desire to push forth and follow my intuition.

In the world of electronic devices such as the GPS, it is simple to just let given directions drive our lives.  I personally do not turn on the GPS unless I am in the immediate area of where I want to be, or if I happen to be travelling in an unfamiliar location at night.  Instead, I often map my location in advance.  My dad made a very good point about the GPS habit.  He pointed out that it is very easy to get lost with one - as in, not be present to where you are, and how to intuitively get around.  While he did not use presence and intuition in his statements, my dad's stories about clueless bus and taxi drivers who refused to listen to his advice about alternate directions that can  be taken to shorten a trip, or get out of a major traffic jam makes me think in those terms.  My practise has always been to plan alternate routes and know most shortcuts that can be taken when driving.  It drives my mother crazy when I hit the back roads on a journey all of a sudden... hahaha... The irony is that she has always emphasized the importance of knowing the back roads!

This past weekend, I was forced to sit with life staring back at me.  I was sitting on an island on North Tea Lake with no way to escape as I had sent my friends on their way to enjoy and have fun exploring the area on the canoe.  I was in a space of deep inquiry and my energy level at the time did not allow me to mix and mingle. Instead of one crossroad, I encountered several.  These crossroads have followed me back home and I am now writing about it. 

Without having to rehash what life has been like for me leading up to this, I am now faced with some decisions.  The roads I choose to follow each have an emotional attachment to it.  There will always be a cost and an emotional implication to the decisions I make and the direction I follow.  

Right now, I am at the point where I just want to give up the fight.  I want to take the crossroad that will allow me to put up, shut up, and keep the peace in order to avoid conflicts.  The conflicts that I have experienced have had their costs.  There were costs to relationships, as well as to physical and emotional well-being.  Many of the crossroads that have shown up for me offer different options.  It can be so confusing for me to decide which path to take.

The crossroads in my life have brought me to a place where I am now questioning what is real and authentic about my way of being.  I am beginning to suspect that I continue to live my life out as one big lie.  When I say I want to give up the fight, I am saying that I should actually stop all the work that I am doing for myself, and retreat back to where I was when I played it safe.  I am not sure what will happen when I get back to that point, but I am at the point where I am beginning to lose touch with myself as I am right now.  At this point, the costs to me, and to others I relate to will play out if I keep up this lie that I am in right now...

So... Back to the drawing board I go...

The Pursuit of Health and Fitness

While spring may have sprung, it sure has not felt that way. In the first month of this season, we have seen our share of rain, snow, cold, and a teasing of mild air - including that one day which saw me race home after work and pull out my sandals from the closet to wear for the evening.

So, as the spring progresses, I naturally gravitate towards my objective of more fitness.  I think of the outdoor activities that I truly enjoy, wishing I could participate fully at this point...

My update to my health and wellness?  Things seem to be going as well as it could.  The problem that I face is that more than a year of living with a weakened immune system that has left me with more than my share of illnesses has taken a toll on my overall fitness.  Add the extra caution I now have to take (physically) after that little fender-bender, and you can now only imagine my frustration.  I do, however, offer gratitude to my alternative health care professionals that I have sought help from over the past year for helping me to get on the right track through supplements, physical treatments, and advice on how to ease back in.

After working on strengthening my balance through adjustments and exercises, my chiropractor has now given me to go ahead to start running again.  However, I have to monitor my balance at all times, and not start off too fast or too long in the beginning.  There's a ray of hope there! My goal is to run an ultra (or two) by mid-summer, early fall.  I shall keep this goal on my radar as I build up.

So what am I doing now?  I am committing to keeping on top of my yoga practise.  The minimum number of practises will be three per week but I do hope to be back to doing five or six practises a week.  For cardio, I have taken up swimming again.  After letting go of the YMCA due to constraints with time, and the increased expense, I have decided to leverage the community centre for my aquatic needs.  During the lane swim times, I have the option of swimming continuous laps, or strapping on an aqua belt and running in the slow lane of the pool.  I went to the community centre on Thursday night for this and was pleased with what I got out of the whole hour.  Lap swimming wasn't in my favour but the aqua running really spoke to me.  I can nicely split the time between the two and get an awesome workout from this.  As for strength training, there is an advantage to teaching yoga at a gym.  I am committed to doing at least half an hour of strength training at the gym before, or after I teach.  I am also taking the time to do the things I like such as hiking, and walking as part of my daily commute each day.

While all of those plans are quite doable, I am also to be mindful of the amount of rest I get.  To address that, I have now imposed a new rule during the week.  After 21h00 on a weeknight, this computer will turn into a pumpkin.  No staring at the screen anytime after that unless there is an emergency, or something urgent that requires me to use it.  After two weeks, I am pleased to see the results firsthand.  I found that by turning off the computer, I am more likely to be organised for the next day.  My shake is prepared, lunch is packed, and my clothes are laid out within an hour.  This gives me time to either read, knit, or simply fall asleep.  As for the phone, I still make use of it but it not as bad as sitting in front of this screen reading something that is not fulfilling or enriching.  when I do wake up, I find that I wake up in a better state than when I went to bed.  I do acknowledge that the pumpkin rule may mean no time for the computer during the week but, that's what weekends are for.

So there you have it, an update from me.  I am looking forward to a fresh new start in my pursuit for healthy living.  The events of the past are part of the past and I have learned from them.  Time to move on!

To Your Health!

Hump Day Humour - Yoga Pants Shortage

This is absolutely hysterical! Nothing like a great video to accentuate the Lululemon pants recall :-))

Uprooting the Shallow Roots

All shallow roots must be uprooted, because they are not deep enough to sustain you. ~ A Course in Miracles

With the companionship of my two good friends - Anna and Kyla - I have started reading Gabrielle Bernstein's book Spirit Junkie.  This is a book that looks into the teaching of A Course in Miracles and refers to concrete, real world examples.  So far I am liking this book.  I now have to get around my busy schedule and actually commit to reading time.  There are also meditations and exercises with each chapter that I commit to doing.

When I cracked open the first chapter, after reading the Foreword by Marianne Williamson, and the Introduction, the first thing that caught my eye was the quote that opens this post.  Very catchy, and very true too!

I often speak to my students when I am teaching, telling them to dump whatever is not serving them.  The theme of letting go in order to grow is repeated.  Now, when I think of shallow roots, I think back to all the times that I have taken unnecessary time to nurture and to fight for all that has not been serving me.  This is true for relationships, my career, and most other aspects in my life.  The deeper roots often remained neglected.  I believe I needed to read this quote at this time.  It has truly spoken to me at this time and reminded me of the cost of nurturing what does not serve me and not uprooting those shallow roots.

My work has now been cut out for me on this path.  I must now acknowledge the roots that have been planted.  If the roots sustain me, I must continue to nurture it and let them experience the growth required to sustain me.  If they prove to be too shallow and weak, I have the choice to uproot the roots and start again, or to plant it deeper and see if it will work for and sustain me.

Take a moment to really acknowledge the roots that you have planted in your life.  See if these roots can sustain you with strength, or if they need to be uprooted.  This is what personal growth is all about.

Namaste...