It is hard to believe that a week ago, I set out to fulfill a desire of mine and to settle this personal score that I felt needed to be settled. The memories were very positive and lessons were learned in the process.
So, what did I do? Backcountry Camping. Where? Frontenac Provincial Park. Who did I go with? Myself.
Now, depending on who I tell, I get different reactions. My professional confidante told me to go for it. The ladies on the GO Train had their concerns but they know me well enough to just wish me well and look forward to the stories that come afterwards. The reaction was mixed amongst the coworkers. I've had reactions such as "Wow...", "Crazy...", "Good for you!" and "Have a great time!" Then, there is the one coworker who I told after the fact. Her immediate reaction and comment was "Don't ever do that again! That is too dangerous to do by yourself... That is one way to raise anxiety levels..." I love her dearly and she means well but it is quite clear that she is content to remain in her comfort zone as a wife, mother, and working woman.
My motives were simple. I wanted to prove to myself that I can do this camping thing on my own. I also wanted to prove that I can support myself and that I am truly independent. When I camped with a couple friends the last couple of times, I did not feel great about myself. I actually felt like I was a useless burden to the group because of the fact that they seemed to have everything together and that other than putting up a tent, hoisting gear, and being a drama queen because of the bugs, I really did not know anything about being outside in nature. Therefore, I felt disconnected because I could not even contribute to the conversations that were happening because I was totally clueless. It was after the last trip that we took about a month ago when I resolved to let go of the possibility of ever really connecting and enjoying myself in that setting. As a result of this, I became the lone ranger and resolved to do this whole thing in total isolation with only myself to answer to and support. No one I camped with knew what I was up to until I completed the trip.
The lessons learned were big! Throughout the planning, I did have to logistically plan this trip with contingencies in mind. I also had to be physically and mentally prepared for the challenges that I had to face. There were moments where I really started getting anxious, particularly when I started paying attention to the weather forecast for the area. It was only in those moments of anxiety where I started to envision things going wrong. I had to quickly reel myself in and stop focusing on what could go wrong. My confidante did allude to my way of thinking during the last two trips and offered advice on altering my thinking.
Other lessons learned were as follows:
- Proper packing of gear needs to be worked on. It turns out I had too much food and ended up bringing home enough to create a home emergency kit.
- Listen to intuition and follow it. By doing this, I was able to avoid turning my whole enjoyment upside-down. What did I do? Turned back when the gear became cumbersome and my stomach problems did not improve. While it did mean a night in the car, it made the next couple of days much more bearable. I felt very rested, stomach problems ceased, and my gear was better packed. This has stamped a plan of action for the next solo outing.
- There is power in reflection and journaling. I cleared so much in my journal by documenting my experiences in the moment.
- Accept support if it is needed and offered. My campsite neighbours were very kind to invite me over to their site for campfire. Their wood was dry because they were able to keep it dry before the rains. In my case, the only things that lit were my firestarters, and the garbage I was burning. Their support and hospitality was truly appreciated and did give me a mental break.
While there were many more lessons learned, these lessons really stick out for me.
A week later, I still look back at the fact that I really did know what I was doing. So, if camping is not the problem, then what is? It became increasing clear that my social skills are lacking. I am not making up any excuses for this personality trait. It became really clear to me that I chose this. All my life, I have gone out of my way to not have that connection I say I want. The connections I have had in the past have either ended with hurt, or they still exist but are maintained at more than an arms length. For the most part, I have developed a lack of trust and have always surged ahead and created experiences on my own. In fact, I find it easier to disconnect and retreat into my safe spot than to stay in the fire and share my vulnerabilities without the fear of being judged.
A question was posed to me after my trip. I was asked whether or not I will be a yes to the possibility of another group camping experience. When I responded, I said that I would have to think about it. As the high wore off and the past week took me back to reality, my response quickly turned into a resounding NO. I had an awesome time doing this whole thing solo. I felt really good answering to myself and not having to compare or be compared to someone else other than myself. I still have to sort out whether it is fear and ego that is making me choose. For now, all I can do is be with this experience for what it is and allow my inner guide to guide me in the best direction.
Pics to follow soon from a successful adventure!
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