A Season of Change... Literally and Figuratively

This evening finds me sitting on the floor with my PC on my lap as I type and contemplate...

Definition of Contemplate According to Oxford Dictionary...

Pronunciation:/ˈkɒntɛmpleɪt, -təm-/

verb

[with object]

• look thoughtfully for a long time at:he contemplated his image in the mirrors
• think about:she couldn’t even begin to contemplate the future
• [no object] think deeply and at length:he sat morosely contemplating
• have in view as a probable intention:he was contemplating action for damages

Yes, I do contemplate!  Quite a bit, as a matter of fact.  So much has happened for me in the last few months.  It either makes my head spin with a sense of grief and wonder, or it gives me a sense of gratitude for all I have and all I have learned.  Contemplating is a very healthy activity if one makes it so.

Summer has now made its exit and we welcome autumn. I can't help but think of reflect on the journey I have been on for the past few months.  If there was a time to be tested, this has been it.

My racing season started off really well.  Personal bests were being taken down, I was aware of the shift my running took, and relished in the shift.  I have also been reconnecting with some of the friends who share the ultrarunning passion.  So where did things go wrong?

When I think about that question, I can only reflect on my failed attempt at the Burning River 100M in Ohio.  All I can think about is the fact that I was doing quite well for the first 60 miles or so.  The only complication I had to battle was the heat and humidity.  I was heat exhausted but ran through it and ensured that I was well hydrated and fed.  And then the night came... Night running has been my weakness for the longest time.  To conquer it, I usually run like a bat out of hell during the day.  This is how I score fast 50M times during a 100 miler.  Running like that gives me time to take quick naps during the night.  This time, it didn't pan out the way I wanted it to.  All was going according to plan until I made  the mean hike to Pine Hollow Aid Station, and then subsequently the Salt Run loop.  Unfortunately, while it was still very humid, the ground was damp with dew.  As a result, I started getting really cold.  Because of the fact that I was ahead of schedule, I didn't keep a long-sleeved shirt with me.  It was left behind at Boston Store in my drop bag while the extra one was waiting for me at Pine Hollow.  Note to self - Pack a smaller bag for Happy Days for situations like this one as I was fine up to that point.  With the damp cold, I found that I was starting to lose mental focus.  I am aware of the fact that the ghosts tend to want to reach out and smack you when you are most vulnerable.  What I was not prepared for was how hard I was to be smacked as I struggled to remain upright and fight my way through the exhaustion - exhaustion brought on by the heat and the resulting chill.  Finishing the Salt Run at 74 miles, I collapsed into a chair with no hopes of recouping and moving on minutes before the aid station cut off... My first fail at 100 miles.  I am now three for four...

I have not been the same since Burning River.  While I have been volunteering within the community for charity events, as well as a couple other races, I have done no further racing and barely ran since that time.  For the first time, after doing so for seven years, I missed out on Haliburton Forest - a race that I have loved since I completed my second ever 50K run there, six weeks after I ran my first 50K.

This has been quite a journey for me.  My mind has been in a tailspin for several months now.  So much has happened... There have been times where I have been feeling really good, and expressing gratitude for all that is good.  At other times, I find myself in a dark spot - a spot mixed with anger, doubt, grief, and fear.  It's hard to pinpoint exactly where it all started, but it seems that the chain of events that have occurred since last spring lead me to this spot.

Could it have all stemmed from the fall of the mask?  Of realizing that some things, and people, are not what - or who - they were perceived to be from the start?  That seems to be it.  This has always led me to ask the question "Why?" I once posted "It's funny how things come to light with time... All you have to do is breathe, and let go..." The latest burn has been hard to extinguish.  As much as I wanted things to work out, Marcel always found an excuse to go into hiding.  Marcel's mask started falling when he started expressing himself as he lived out his story.  The trouble with his story was that it ruled him.  He constantly had the same tapes playing in his head, and he had no qualms of expressing his grief over his story.  He is currently trapped in some drama at the moment.  I shall not go into details on exactly what has happened, and what is going on as there is no place on this blog for any of it.  I also do not want to paint a dark picture of Marcel in anyway.  He is the artist of his own story and he is the only person who can paint a dark picture of himself.  In fact, we are all artists in our own stories.  All I will say is that I am grateful for the time we did have together and I do hope that he can overcome the story and the drama that he clearly allows to be the main plot of his life.

So where does that leave me?  I am slowly climbing out of this funk that I have been living in.  Running has not been my main focus for the past couple months but I am still quite active.  In fact, the untapped joy of riding a bicycle into the light as I commute to and from the Big Smoke to work has been discovered.  Until I meet up with Cheryl, I am forced to clear my mind and breathe as I cycle on the road.  This keeps me safe and mindful as I become one with the traffic for 26km each way. This will definitely keep me in shape for running. I have also returned to teaching yoga.  In light of everything that was going on, I should have kept it up over the summer.  I suspect that the disconnect I had with Marcel had something to do with me not teaching for much of the summer. I allowed that to happen when deep down, I knew that I wanted to teach.  If I had more of a voice with him to let him know that teaching is something I love doing, it would give me the motivation to stand in my own power for this, and other things that matter to me.  Teaching yoga is an awesome passion that I am so grateful for cultivating.  There is nothing like the expression of joy from my students as they break through on that small aspect of their practise.  There is nothing like the gratitude they express when they file out of the room with smiles on their faces.  I want to continue to cultivate that joy within my students, as well as myself.

Will I return to running? You bet I will!  I am now in the process of revising my training plan at this time.  More on that to come later.  My focus will definitely change where running is concerned.  I will also be maintaining balance, and infusing a sense of play into it.  My besties Cheryl, Gerry, and I are all embarking on a mission to be the ultrarunning Badasses, and we will have fun doing so!

The season has changed... How will this affect me?  All I can focus on doing at this time is picking up that brush, and living my life by design!  I invite you all to do the same thing in your lives...