A Journey Through Fear and the Outcome

• As I sat in a meeting with a counselor who was facilitating the meeting, a realisation was revealed to me.  What happened after was the dawning of the aha moment that had me feeling confused, lost, and stuck... 

• While sitting in seated meditation and during the sharing that followed in the group, I felt myself start to shut down and the words could not be properly formed... 

• While testing my limits and setting out on a run in the countryside that was well planned, the cold wind that pushed me head on had different plans for me. The wind started cutting into me and my inner ear was starting to ache.  The thoughts that went through my mind - when I decided to turn back, alter and shorten the run - were not the prettiest thoughts...

These three scenarios all have one common element that sits deep in my core, ready to strike - FEAR...

So what is Fear?

¹fear

verb \ˈfir\

: to be afraid of (something or someone)
: to expect or worry about (something bad or unpleasant)

: to be afraid and worried

²fear

noun

: an unpleasant emotion caused by being aware of danger : a feeling of being afraid

: a feeling of respect and wonder for something very powerful

(retrieved from  http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/fear)

The definitions are quite extensive.  I was blown away by the extensiveness of the definitions while I was trolling online looking for a definition to share.  This word comes in the form of both a verb and a noun.

This four letter word has been a part of my life for as long as I have been alive.  It is a feeling that resides deep in the subconscious body and can strike before you know it.  As a human, I have had many fears in life.  Some of them were resolved, while other still live.  Some of my tangible fears include heights, mice, insects, wild animals at large, starting fires, public speaking, and drowning (yet I love water).  While these can be resolved, there are deeper fears that require a lot of work.  Most of these fears are at the emotional level and can be a root cause for the tangible fears.

Over the last few months, I have had to confront what I now know as fear.  In my personal journey, many fears have to be confronted.  I will tell you this - It is not an easy task.  It is not an easy task because the ego takes over and tries to rationalize the fear and turn it into something else.  It will turn that fear into thoughts that can go against you.  

In the situation where I described running into the wind and trying to fight it until my ear started hurting, my thoughts were really reeling.  I had a million things on my mind at the time I thought of turning back.  One of those thoughts were that I was not taking care of myself and that I would relapse into further sickness and possible deafness for running out in the cold.  Another thought was that I would be heckled and ridiculed by the guys at the shop in St. Jacobs when I appeared after a defeated run for even trying to run in the cold.  In actuality, I was rational enough to turn around and seek a safer spot to run where the wind was not so fierce.  My ear was allowed to heal with no intervention needed to speed up the healing and there were no ill effects.  Note to self - ear muffs needed for added protection...  When I got to the shop, the guys were very happy to see me. They were happy to see that I was safe and with them when I described what I went through. In fact, two of them took me with them when they went out to lunch. Later on that night, I saw a Facebook post from another fellow ultrarunner who also spoke of cutting his run short which made me feel better.  I was also inspired by another friend who continued to honour his commitment to improving his running, long after the learn to run meetup concluded. So what was with the thoughts anyway?  When I look back at it, I realised that I was in fear.  I feared not making it, being stranded and hypothermic in the middle of the countryside with no hopes of reaching anyone (my phone was with me but I later found that the cold sucked the life out of the battery even though it was fully charged to start).  I feared what others would say if things did go wrong.

The main thing that seems to drive my fear is my concern for looking good. In fact, it is most likely to be the fear that is deep in my soul. I am not alone in this. Society is driven by the need to look good. This drive is mainly image based. Emotions are often neglected when there is a drive to look good on the surface. As I look at my life, I know I have been constantly plagued by reprimands and criticism in situations where my action or image goes against the grain of what the perceived image should be. This really showed up in the situations I have illustrated in this post.

For the past few months, I have been forced to face some of my deepest fears. I felt like I was alone in this fight. As I gained awareness, the fear grew. There has been a lot of resistance to the work that has to be done to move through my deepest fears. In the past couple of weeks, things started making sense.

A dear friend and I started speaking about fear. Like me, she is also going through the journey to facing her fears. One night, she summed it up. There is only FEAR or LOVE. When it was summed up, I didn't get it. However, with her patience and her love, she explained that in a time of fear, it is important to love oneself, and be gentle with oneself. It is very easy to lose oneself in the face of fear. When that happens, the journey through fear becomes more difficult.

OMG! This is exactly what I needed to hear!  Up to that point, I was starting to get frustrated. I had been searching high and low for answers to my fears and ways to snap out of it. The thing is that fear lives within. How the fear is handled can make or break the overall way of being. Handle it with love and compassion for the best results possible.

After our discussion that night, my day went really well. I allowed myself to feel and acknowledge the love that was shown to me.  I felt really blessed by the message I was given.  If I take off the blinders and really see the forest for the trees, I should be able to see that the universe has provided me with the tools I need to rise above my fears and take action in life. 

Armed with a new sense of awareness, my task is to presence myself to what I am experiencing at the present moment.  In order to calmly and lovingly choose which tool I need to use in order to help, I need to acknowledge the fear that surfaces and see it for what it is.

I cannot believe how good it feels to get this out.  When I had this discussion with my friend, I felt like a weight was being lifted.  Support that is given and received with love really goes a long way.

How would you embrace and acknowledge your fears?  I invite you to explore it as it is right now and create an action plan that will help you rise above it all.

Namaste...